So I was asked to do an Instagram live interview with a friend of mine who started live online (@theepiphanypeople on instagram live chats every Wednesday) discussions around various current affairs. With the current situation around Black Lives Matter there were a number of topics surrounding people of colour. The topic he put to me was Black men and their emotions. I was comfortable with that topic but was uncomfortable about going on line where there was going to be an audience, albeit from the comfort of my own home in front of a computer.
After the Instagram live last discussion on the 29th July 2020 (link to the discussion down below). I have to say I have been feeling a sense of personal accomplishment and achievement. There is always something about being vulnerable that challenges the very authenticity of who you truly are. Especially when there is an audience. Authenticity is something that presses on you and forces you either go all out it, no agendas or back out and then sit with regret, guilt and or shame. It focuses on the what if you mess up. The embarrassment (shame) cloak that you have to wear if you do. This can be almost shattering to the growth and development of your journey when building upon your confidence.
The build up to the online discussion, as small a platform as it is (Instagram live talks) at this stage led to me completely shitting it to put it politely. I was procrastinating for much of the day, almost counting down the hours and then minutes. It’s amazing how our worries and concerns effect our emotions and our behaviours. We constantly strive for a better version of ourself but yet we avoid the very thing (medium, life experience, influence) that’s trying to take us there.
Instead of focusing on what l wanted to share and discuss. I considered backing out. Making excuses that I was unable to do join the insta live at the time. I kept focusing on the uncertainty of how it will be and other experiences where I have felt anxious previously. However, over time I’ve realised the more I sit with the myself and acknowledge the very thing I’m trying avoid is the more I become a custom to this is where my growth is. This is very much what propelled me to fully commit and ultimately face my fear. I was able to sit with myself and acknowledge that I’m my imperfect self, I am who I am. And what is so wrong about sharing that with the world. After all we were discussing black men and their emotions. Well I’m a black man and I have emotions, feelings that I desire to share and in doing so I achieved so much. My personal gains is confidence for achieving and completing it something I wanted to do but was afraid to do. However, more so for facing up to the scared inner child within that we all have. I nurtured the child in me and by facing those fears I believe I actually deconstructed what was demotivating me to engage with this online social media live platform. I believe that I reconstructed a part of me which I believe is nurturing the child within.
In doing so I have felt nothing more than a feeling of security, humility self worth, positive efficacy and motivation. I guess this is what it means to be vulnerable and wholehearted but it takes lots of practice as there are always resistance and barriers to growth. I will take much from this going forward into my journey of self and I am grateful for this experience. I hope this encourages someone who also is struggling with fear in the context to self development or a personal challenge. Thank you for reading. It helped to get it out on this blog and after all that’s what this blog is for.
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Below are the links to the interview/discussions see if you can spot me being nervous 😉 it’s ok not to be ok right!!! 👍🏽