So I was asked to do an Instagram live interview with a friend of mine who started live online (@theepiphanypeople on instagram live chats every Wednesday) discussions around various current affairs. With the current situation around Black Lives Matter there were a number of topics surrounding people of colour. The topic he put to me was Black men and their emotions. I was comfortable with that topic but was uncomfortable about going on line where there was going to be an audience, albeit from the comfort of my own home in front of a computer.



After the Instagram live last discussion on the 29th July 2020 (link to the discussion down below). I have to say I have been feeling a sense of personal accomplishment and achievement. There is always something about being vulnerable that challenges the very authenticity of who you truly are. Especially when there is an audience. Authenticity is something that presses on you and forces you either go all out it, no agendas or back out and then sit with regret, guilt and or shame. It focuses on the what if you mess up. The embarrassment (shame) cloak that you have to wear if you do. This can be almost shattering to the growth and development of your journey when building upon your confidence.



The build up to the online discussion, as small a platform as it is (Instagram live talks) at this stage led to me completely shitting it to put it politely. I was procrastinating for much of the day, almost counting down the hours and then minutes. It’s amazing how our worries and concerns effect our emotions and our behaviours. We constantly strive for a better version of ourself but yet we avoid the very thing (medium, life experience, influence) that’s trying to take us there.



Instead of focusing on what l wanted to share and discuss. I considered backing out. Making excuses that I was unable to do join the insta live at the time. I kept focusing on the uncertainty of how it will be and other experiences where I have felt anxious previously. However, over time I’ve realised the more I sit with the myself and acknowledge the very thing I’m trying avoid is the more I become a custom to this is where my growth is. This is very much what propelled me to fully commit and ultimately face my fear. I was able to sit with myself and acknowledge that I’m my imperfect self, I am who I am. And what is so wrong about sharing that with the world. After all we were discussing black men and their emotions. Well I’m a black man and I have emotions, feelings that I desire to share and in doing so I achieved so much. My personal gains is confidence for achieving and completing it something I wanted to do but was afraid to do. However, more so for facing up to the scared inner child within that we all have. I nurtured the child in me and by facing those fears I believe I actually deconstructed what was demotivating me to engage with this online social media live platform. I believe that I reconstructed a part of me which I believe is nurturing the child within.


In doing so I have felt nothing more than a feeling of security, humility self worth, positive efficacy and motivation. I guess this is what it means to be vulnerable and wholehearted but it takes lots of practice as there are always resistance and barriers to growth. I will take much from this going forward into my journey of self and I am grateful for this experience. I hope this encourages someone who also is struggling with fear in the context to self development or a personal challenge. Thank you for reading. It helped to get it out on this blog and after all that’s what this blog is for.


Share your untold story

Casey Gordon


Below are the links to the interview/discussions see if you can spot me being nervous 😉 it’s ok not to be ok right!!! 👍🏽


Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CDPRjFkpZhw/?igshid=1kwil12ktmjvf

Youtube

https://youtu.be/-0CTl0T4Uc4


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Updated: Aug 27, 2019

Hi my name is Casey Gordon and this is my story behind Junky Munky. I grew up in a household where expression was something we suppressed due to the culture my parents were raised in. As a child I rebelled against this and I guess you could say that I became to a point a bit of an introvert. I learnt to express myself in different ways others than using words which lead to my love for art and design where I developed my creative abilities.


"I learnt that through fear I was totally restricted; however through love I was able to achieve anything I wanted with greater motivation"


Although; this may seem cliché' it really isn't. I watched my mother whilst growing up in a household where she was unable to truly express herself due to coercive control. This was due to my father's poor self esteem and low self confidence. It has taken a long time to understand why I was raised the way I was and how this impacted on my development, self efficacy, character and ability to truly feel confident to express who I really am.


Seeing my mother hospitalised under the Mental Health Act three times and then to finally leave the hospital on prescribed medication, probably for the rest of her life. To see her walk out of the family home in her early 70's so she can live a life where she is able to fully express herself and no longer remain under the rule of my father's control is bitter sweet. This sounds sad but it is somewhat liberating as I am proud of her strength to succeed in life despite what people may think. This has motivated me to set up this blog, to seek new challenges, live life to the max and create and design merchandise to raise awareness on issues that are considered a taboo.


"Lets talk about the elephant in the room"


I want to hear from those of you who would like to express your vulnerabilities without judgement or persecution. This can be done anonymously or not, it is your choice, your free will and your space for you to be you. Please post your challenges, fears and stories for others to connect and share experiences, remember you are not alone.



"Be comfortable with being uncomfortable, your strength lies in you being vulnerable...... become a Junky Munky"

Junky Munky also offers an emotional mental and emotional support wellbeing service with therapeutic interventions to support a variety of emotional and wellbeing needs. I understand that not everyone is at a place where they feel they are ready to talk, share or express their deepest and or darkest fears. If you feel that there is additional support that is required and you would just like someone to talk to, feel free to email me at junkymunkyltd@gmail.com. A confidential service that caters for a range of emotional life challenges, feel free to contact me on the email provided. If I am unable to help I can certainly signpost you in the right direction.


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